Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! ? 1 out of 5
Okay, so it seems it?s a yearly event now. The first one?s success was an accident. It was just your run-of-the-mill bad Syfy movie produced by the awful production company The Asylum but the world of social media latched on and everyone was clamoring to MST3K this bitch. The second was expected but this third one felt like we might have been reaching and it?um?I don?t want to say it was nearing shark jumping territory but the beating of a dead horse was definitely taking place. But, here we are, and since I?ve reviewed that other two, might as well do this one, too.
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films What? More sharks?!? This was never set up in any way! |
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films A new actress plays April and Fin's son. They explain the change of hair color but never how she somehow got younger. |
After battling all those sharknadoes brought them closer together, Fin (Ian Ziering) and April (Tara Reid) are officially married again and expecting another child?but some sharknadoes have to come and mess up everything. While Fin is being honored by the President in D.C. (who is played by Mark Cuban), April is hanging out with her mother (Bo Derek) in Orlando. Not surprisingly, a sharknado hits D.C. and after it suddenly dies out Fin beats feet to get to Orlando to protect April and his unborn child. Along the way, he meets up with an old friend from the first film; Nova (Cassie Scerbo)?who has no news about Fin?s son that she was all googly eyed for in the first one. They soon realize that sharknadoes are so powerful that they need a new tactic to fight them and it involves getting Fin?s astronaut father (David Hasselhoff) and getting their asses to space (but not as far as Mars, other asses have to get there)?because of course they?re going into space now.
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Nova returns and offers up no updates on Fin's son Matt?!? Let's assume she murdered him for the insurance money. The sharknado insurance money. |
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films It's like a cheesy, absolutely moronic, and incredibly low budget version of Independence Day. |
The first one was such a awful piece of crap that was made with absolutely no real motivation that it created something that was fun to watch. The second one just became a spectacle of trying to cram in as many celebrity cameos as it could and it ended up being too self aware to be appreciated as much as the first one?bad movies that try to be bad aren?t fun. However, there was still an element of fun to the film. This time around the joke has definitely run its course and there was nothing fun about it. The film?s subtitle didn?t need to be "Oh Hell No!"?it should have been "This is Getting Tedious."
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Not even the legendary David Hasselhoff can save this film...and another thing: Why did it take till the third film to get him into this franchise? |
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Chris Jericho is a little old to play a ride operator but I like his enthusiasm for the job! |
This time around the story tries way too hard and is attempting to get bigger and bigger with its moments of insanity?all the while they are ham-fisting as many celebrity cameos as they can. However, at this point, it seems they are reaching the bottom of the barrel of people willing to be in these films as we have to see Ann Coulter as the Vice President and see such stars as Bill Engvall, Chris Jericho, Michael Winslow, Cindy Margolis, Jackie Collins, Ray J, Jerry Springer, Michele Bachmann, and former Playboy playmates Kendra Wilkinson and Holly Madison. Occasionally, the cameos are fun like seeing Penn and Teller hanging out with The Hoff and watching George R.R. Martin die as he clearly will cameo in this stinker because he needs any reason to not write his book. However, most of the time, these cameos just feel unnecessary and, most of all, feel like they just couldn?t get more likeable people to make the time to be in the latest Sharknado film. I mean, they got Ann Coulter for the film and who in their right mind wants to see her in anything? I?ve always imagined that people?s faces melt off if you make eye contact with her.
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Pay careful attention, Mark McGrath will never look at her directly. |
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Now if Obama got what he wanted and took our guns, we'd have nothing to shoot the sharknadoes with. |
I understand the need to have a sequel up the ante and make things bigger so the film doesn?t feel repetitive or like a rehash of what?s been seen but Oh Hell No! decides to do this by having increasingly growing spectacles with its sharknado attacks and it ultimately leaves the franchise with few places to proceed in the future. Each time results in more destruction, more sharks (I?m not even sure how there are sharks left anymore), more celebrity cameos being murdered, and more bad special effects. The film culminates in a space adventure (because NASA has shuttles ready to launch at the drop of a hat) and, yes, sharks end up in space (which makes total sense because they are somehow able to breathe and eat when not in the water so why can?t they breathe in space?) but, by this point, the film is clearly just trying to get to the next spectacle as quickly as it can and about getting what cameos it can get. Story has never been something that writer Thunder Levin (yes, that?s the writer?s real name) ever really considered when writing these films but I?m fairly certain that this film?s script was only a couple of pages long and just contained crayon drawings of the thing that Levin wants to happen. I then assume that the "script" is sent to returning director Anthony C. Ferrante and he and all the executives at Syfy roll them up and snort all the coke they can buy with their miniscule budget.
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Impressive...usually film franchises don't head till space till after the 5th film. |
In the previous films, the bad special effects, awful acting (or sometimes too strong acting like in the case of Ian Ziering?that man is giving his all to this role and more power to him for that), and the whole ridiculous nature of the idea itself made the experience fun?especially when you add in your own jokes that make fun of it along the way.
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Even this is a little gratuitous for a movie about tornados filled with sharks. |
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Even on the third go-around, Ian Ziering won't phone it in. That's dedication. |
This time around in Sharknado 3: Oh Hell No! the final result is so tiresome and so desperate to try and get to that next bit of nonsense (shit, even before the credits hit the film is overly preoccupied with pimping part 4, there?s no living in the moment with this one) and this it makes the film an act of tedium to get through. While I watched and live Tweeted jokes about this film (by the way, follow me on Twitter @RevRonster), I quickly found I was getting bored with it. Even making jokes about it felt like work. I know I said it in my review of The Second One but the joke has definitely run its course and, with the film going balls out and reaching into the depths of space this time, the fourth one has a real danger of just going through the motions when its made because there's no place left to take this dwindling franchise?at the very least, they are allowing the audience to vote on whether April lives or not. I, for one, don?t know if I can sit through Tara Reid?s dead deliver or look into her even deader eyes for another film. Seriously, though, I?m not trying to be mean here but are we 100% certain that she?s not a zombie?
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| The Asylum/Syfy Films Is it possible to be trying too hard with a tongue-in-cheek style? |
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