Tusk ? 2 out of 5
I consider myself a casual fan of Kevin Smith. I like him more as a person who shares my
interests than him as a filmmaker and writer (or as someone who can?t take criticism
very well). I can?t watch his old films
anymore because the humor just doesn?t have the staying power for me, so things
like Clerks and its sequel, Dogma, Chasing Amy, and Mallrats are unwatchable
now and completely unfunny. And don?t
get me started on Cop Out. However, I
still like Jersey Girl (George Carlin?s performance in that film was
incredible) and Red State might be the greatest film from the man I have ever
seen. But when I heard he was making
Tusk and found out what it was about, I was sold because I love really fucked
up films. I was actually really excited
to see it?and then the disappointment hit.
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| Ah, podcasting...just as annoying as blogging. Wait, what did I just say?!? |
Wallace Bryton (who is played by Justin Long and has a name
that suspiciously sounds like ?walrus?) is a podcaster with his friend Teddy
(Haley Joel Osment). One day, he heads
to the Great White North to visit a viral video star but learns that the star
is no longer around and he?s left without a story. He stumbles upon a mysterious and worldly man
named Howard Howe (Michael Parks) and thinks he found something to talk about
on his next podcast. Granted, he totally
did but he?ll never get to tell his story because Howe wants to surgically
transform Wallace into a walrus. Now
it?s up to his girlfriend Ally (Genesis Rodriguez) and Teddy to locate and save
him. On the way, they find themselves teaming with a mysterious lawman named Guy
Lapointe (Johnny Depp) who has been hunting Howe for some time. Can they reach Wallace before the
transformation is complete?
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| They don't...hashtag Fuck Yo Spoilers! |
I love ridiculous films and this one, based on a story that
Kevin Smith and his buddy came up with on his podcast, sounded all kinds of
insane and I instantly fell in love with the concept. Not to mention, it?s pretty damn cool that
Kevin Smith had the means to make this silly idea a reality. Not all creative types have the means,
financial support, or the faculties to get anything they come up with off the
ground and made?so, the fact that Tusk exists is already something cool and I
can get behind?of course, just because I think it?s cool that a movie exists or
appreciate its existence due to its influence on free speech, creativity, and
the advancement of storytelling and filmmaking doesn?t necessarily mean I enjoy
it or think it?s a good movie. I think The Texas Chainsaw Massacre was a revolution for horror films but I still think it's a terrible movie. I also think Pink Flamingos is a bold statement in the world of filmmaking but that doesn't mean I find any entertainment value from it.
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| Typical guy, polishing his walrus tusk. |
Tusk starts out fantastically?for the most part. The premise is established and built upon
terrifically and it feels like it is really going somewhere amazing. Sure, it felt like a bad mockery of The Human
Centipede but I found that film both unsettling and entertaining so I thought
why wouldn?t I enjoy a film that feels like a silly parody of it? Then, to add to it, Michael Parks is giving
off an absolutely unbelievable performance and he makes the character of Howard
Howe simply captivating and thrilling to watch.
However, it?s not long before the film starts to slip?
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| However, Parks made the film a must watch, I can't emphasize that enough. |
The second the film starts, it?s obvious that Justin Long
will not be a sympathetic character. He?s
brash, abrasive, disrespectful, loud, and an all-around asshole. Within the first ten minutes, I wanted his
character dead and gone and that is what makes the film and its story hard to
deal with. Part of the magic with The
Human Centipede was the fact you felt sorry for the hell the nutso doctor was
putting the victims through. I had no
sympathy for Justin Long?s character of Wallace. I get that he is meant to be a parody of a travelling American and was there to annoy the Canadian characters but it was so hard to feel anything for him during the horror he was going through because he was so damn unlikable. At no point is he redeemed either and, as the film
progresses, we learn that he actively cheats on his girlfriend. So, he doesn?t get better, he only gets
worse.
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| I like you Long but, gawd damn, I hated your character. |
Secondly, the film has some truly abysmal humor. I was hoping for a great dark comedy and it
definitely has its moments that are twistedly funny but so many of the jokes in
the film are hack material. Such gags
can work when you utilize the whole ?it?s funny because it?s really unfunny?
kinda stuff that the alt comics love to do (and I am guilty of in my stand up) but
when an overwhelming majority of the jokes in the film are cheap shots at
Canadians with the intention of being unfunny so the jokes become funny, it
starts to make the humor in the film look lazy and weak.
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| I tried to laugh at this terrible joke but all that came out of my mouth was sadness. |
Finally, the film drags itself out to the point the whole
joke of it has run its course very early on.
While it was cool to see Johnny Depp show up and play the French
Canadian version of Inspector Clouseau, his character quickly starts to wear
thin as all his scenes go way too long and all the humor that was in them
starts to get repetitive and boring. In
fact, the whole story starts to feel this way as it very quickly starts to drag
out its thin premise and pushes the boundaries of making it into a feature
length feature. Honestly, this probably
could have work better and a hell of a lot smoother if it was a short film.
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| I'm assuming Smith got Depp for the film with promises of acting through make-up... that's fucking catnip to Depp. |
And I won?t bother getting into how disappointing the ending
was?
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| And I won't get into the fact that somehow Haley Joel Osment still has a baby's face when he's all grown up. |
Tusk had a lot of potential thanks to an incredibly epic
performance from Michael Parks and a strange and very wacky premise. However, the film overstayed its welcome by
stretching its limited premise too far and too many of the other performances
are either annoying or aren?t under control within the film?s editing. In the end, the film actually comes off worse
than the film it is clearly trying to lampoon and isn?t a very good start to
Kevin Smith?s Canadian Trilogy or True North Trilogy...or whatever it is being called.
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| So...so the goal with Justin Long was to make him Norm McDonald's impression of Burt Reynolds? |
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