Them

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! This isn't the Them that is about giant ants.

Them ? 2 out of 5

I never heard of this 2006 French-Romanian horror film until my horror nerd girlfriend requested that I put it on the Netflix queue. She watched it when I wasn?t around and I picked it up later and I?m wondering how she didn?t fall asleep during it. I mean, I totally would have fallen asleep but fortunately I was forcing myself to be active and watching it while I was running on the treadmill but, man, this film is boring.

"Goodnight, sweetheart.  Let us begin another mundane night that contains
absolutely no home invasions or potentially horrific situations."

The story to Them is simple: After a hard day of teaching, Cl?mentine (Olivia Bonamy) goes home to her ridiculously oversized house (they clearly pay teachers better overseas if she can afford this mansion that never seems to stop growing in the film) and spends a quiet night with her lover Lucas (Micha?l Cohen). However, in the middle of the night, they are awoken by some noises and soon discover that their home is under siege by some unseen predators. Terror and horror overtake the duo as they scramble to escape with their lives?but when they learn who their invaders are and why they are attacking; no amount of preparation will soften the blow. By the way, it?s also based on a true story...because of course it is.

"Honey, hurry up!  I need to use the can.  You never know when a home invasion
will happen and you don't want full bowels in those situations."

After watching this, I do what I always do with movies and check out what others thought of the movie and see its rating on Rotten Tomatoes. For the most part, this film received good reviews but I just didn?t see it. Most critics say the film is terrifying and full of non-stop suspense and tension but I just didn?t get that. For me, the film dragged, provided nothing new that I haven?t already seen in the world of horror to the point the film is almost predictable, there?s no shock to the "reveal," and there?s just nothing happening that is really grabbing my interest and keeping my attention. In short, this film was just a snoozer for me.

Jesus...how fucking big is this house?

Nowadays, there's an app for that lighter.

Part of the issue I had was I just didn?t care for the characters. While the performances from Bonamy and Cohen are in no way bad, I just didn?t know anything about their characters beyond the fact they are lovers and what their occupations are. Besides that, I really felt no emotional connection to them beyond a feeling that they shouldn?t be horribly murdered because they are innocent people. This is actually a pretty common problem I have with home invasion horror films and when I find myself have a barely passing interest in the protagonists of the story, it?s hard for me to really get invested in the story?especially one that is fairly repetitive and something that is overly familiar in the world of horror...this type of film has been insanely popular in the last decade.

She has this gigantic house but has that for a TV?

"You monsters!  Get out of my room that only has plastic
sheets hanging from the ceiling!"

The film also takes a very, very minimalist approach towards music and that has the potential to be a good thing because it allows other elements of the film to provide the terror. However, thanks to a lethargic pace and the repetitive nature of the plot that involves running five feet, hiding, being found again and then running before one stops to listen to the sounds created by the chasers, this lack of music only amplified the boring state I was having with the film. This dynamic became really apparent during a sequence when Cl?mentine is hiding from the attackers in her car and is desperately trying to find her keys. At one point, she stops and stares out the front of the windshield?now, it?s obvious that someone is there because she?s terrified and the directors decided to stay on that shot of her looking in terror for several beats way too long and then, by the time the film cuts to the man she?s looking at, the suspense is already gone and maybe, just maybe, adding in a striking tone when they cut to the man might have made for a little bit of a scare.

Having her reaction shot last 9 minutes might have been too long and could have
benefited from a bit of a trim in the editing room.

The film also tries to have a twist with the nature of who the attackers are but the reveal of who they are and why they are attacking this couple was a bit "meh" to me. While the mystery of who they are and the seemingly motiveless nature of their attack seemed to be the only real bit of interest I had in the story, the complete lack of tension and suspense that bored me ended up making me indifferent to the reveal of the attackers and the half-ass way their motives are explained to the audience (fuck spoilers, they just have some text at the end of the film tell you why they attacked?that just felt lazy) made it impossible for me to really feel any surprise or even have any kind of reaction beyond relief that the film was over.

"I'll go get help!  I love yo--wait, are you flipping me off?"

He had a stressful week.  Attacking his home invaders proved
to help.  Hastag Silver Linings.

From a technical standpoint, Them doesn?t really do anything wrong. Aside from having some poor lighting in spots and some shaky camera work that didn?t really help the action, the film has a simple (albeit overly familiar) story, the acting is good, the lack of music and antagonists surrounded by mystery had potential, and, despite characters that have no depth to them, they work for what they are needed to work for. The reality is home-invasion horror films don?t speak to me (even though the idea may spook me because I don?t want anyone invading my domicile), so the film already was a hurdle for me to begin with. In the end, even with the potential I saw in it, the movie just didn?t work for me and I found it more tedious, boring, and completely empty on scares.

"Hi!  Oh wait--HELP!  I'm in danger!"

It Follows

***DISCLAIMER*** The following review is entirely my opinion. If you comment (which I encourage you to do) be respectful. If you don't agree with my opinion, that's fine. To each their own. These reviews are not meant to be statements of facts or endorsements, I am just sharing my opinions and my perspective when watching the film and is not meant to reflect how these films should be viewed. Finally, the reviews are given on a scale of 0-5. 0, of course, being unwatchable. 1, being terrible. 2, being not great. 3, being okay. 4, being great and 5, being epic! And if you enjoy these reviews feel free to share them and follow the blog or follow me on Twitter (@RevRonster) for links to my reviews and the occasional live-Tweet session of the movie I'm watching! I once knew a girl who was followed by It...that "it" being herpes.

It Follows ? 2 out of 5

I?ve heard nothing but good things about It Follows. Friends told me it was the bomb-digity (some of my friends are time-travelers from the early 90s) and the critics have been going ape-shit for the film. It?s rare that a horror film can illicit such a reaction from people that aren?t horror film nerds and that made me buy into the hype surrounding this film. And since it came out very close to my horror nerd girlfriend?s birthday, it just made sense to go and see it. Sadly, I might have been TOO sold on the hype because I was grossly let down by this film.

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Yeah, I'll probably have to be secured to a chair of some kind if someone
ever wants me to watch this again.

Jay (Maika Monroe) is a non-descript college student with no real defining characteristics who decides to one day give it up (in a sexual way) to her male suitor Hugh (Jake Weary). However, Jay is horrified to learn that Hugh passed something on to her...something terrifying. He doesn?t know what it is but all he knows is that It wants her dead. It, as it is come to be called, will follow her wherever she goes. It never runs but will never cease its walking towards her. If It catches you, It kills you and then resumes its hunt on the previous person who had it. The only way to rid yourself of It is to pass it to another (of course sexually) and now Jay must figure out a way to survive this ordeal. With the help of others; her sister Kelly (Lili Sepe), her friend Yara (Olivia Luccardi), a friend that is secretly in love with her named Paul (Keir Gilchrist) and a man from the neighborhood who finds himself tangled up in this mess named Greg (Daniel Zoratto), Jay sets out to try and stop it before It claims her as its next victim.

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She easily looks like she can be the cookie-cutter girl of attraction in any pop
band's music video.  The kind that is probably unaware of how beautiful they are
and the singer is ready for her to experience this knowledge...most likely with his penis.

Like I stated in the opening paragraph, I really think I went into the theater expecting too much from It Follows. I honestly felt it started great and it grabbed my attention but after about twenty minutes or so, the film felt like it was just dragging on and on with no real true direction in sight and I found myself incredibly bored with the whole final product. Make no mistake, there were a lot of elements I enjoyed about the film but I ended up enjoying them only as separate elements and the combination that formed the final product, the It Follows Voltron if you will, wasn?t enough to make me really interested or even invested in the film.

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In fairness, however, old ladies creeping around a college campus in their
sleeping gowns is pretty fucking scary.

One of the things I felt was great was the intense music the film had. Most of the time this soundtrack helped craft tension during sequences that would, normally, be quite tame and carry absolutely no weight. Honestly, how do you make something that is casually walking straight at you terrifying? Sure, occasionally this is done by having It be a creepy old woman or a fully nude person or a semi-nude person pissing themselves but, overall, It isn?t that creepy when it looks like it is casually, but with mild purpose, strolling towards a location. So, the intense music that was incredibly striking but, at the same time, a mild throwback to the old synthesizer scores of classic 70s slasher flicks, helped craft some hair-raising moments?however, this great music comes off as a double-edged sword as the unique music has times where it comes off cartoonish and silly and instantly killed any tension I could have been feeling. I?ll be honest, there were several times in the theater I couldn?t help myself from laughing out loud at the music choices. It felt like the soundtrack gained sentience and was throwing blindly at a dartboard on what type of mood tunes it was going for.

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For example, this scene was accompanied by a clarinet version of Ginuwine's
"Pony."  It was a weird choice.

Additionally, I really liked the concept of it. Granted, the film?s metaphor for being an STD is plain as day and lacks subtlety but the whole idea that sex is evil and will get you killed is a motif that was popular in the horror films from the 70s and 80s when, during the AIDS epidemic and we started to learn that we can just put our genitals on everything all willy nilly and with absolutely no regard for the consequences, this made absolute sense and making sex a frightening thing was so prevalent that it has since become a parody of itself. However, in It Follows, having this consequence for sex and the blatant metaphor for sexually transmitted diseases was a concept that I found interesting and it made the beginning of the film captivating.

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"Do you have a moment to talk about our lord and savior Satan?"

Aside from these facts, the rest of the film was a loss for me. The acting isn?t terrible but I saw no one that really wow?ed me or I felt was exceptional. The characters aren?t really developed that much and since I knew only the basic facts of them, I found I had a hard time caring for them and their ordeal?especially Jay, the main character. Of all the characters, she should have been the one I was rooting for the entire time but with the amount of time I had to watch her laying around curled up in a ball (and there?s a lot of that) I found myself just hoping It would catch her so I could leave the theater and go home and put on Game of Thrones or something else that would actual make me feel the fear of losing a character I was invest in.

Ultimately, however, the real killer for this film, for me, was the dragging nature of the story during the final two halves. Some of my friends have argued with me that the film is suppose to be methodical in its pace and that the whole point of it is to be a "slow burn" and I totally get that. I?m all for a slow burn horror film that builds at a steady, albeit slow, pace?as long as it pays off. I found no payoff in It Follows. In fact, I would be hard-pressed to call this a "slow burn." To me, the film was a "slow fizzle." To me, the film was like watching a roaring fire slowly burn to ashes. When it began, the story had me sucked in and I was enthusiastic to see what would happen now that Jay has It and is trying to find out where It came from. However, the film starts to get redundant and I had to endure scene after scene of watching Jay and her friends run from It, wait for It, try and fail to kill It and then repeat it all again but, this time, at a slower pace. Rather than a slow build up to true fear, It Follows felt like it was slowly circling the drain and made me feel an overwhelming amount of sleepiness rather than any sort of creepy feelings.

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One of the hardest things to take seriously in this film was the idea that someone--
ANYONE--would spend even a moment in one of those above-ground pools.

Those were the major complaints I had about the film and the biggest reasons I found I couldn?t enjoy It Follows. There are tons of smaller, nearly nit-picky complaints I had with the movie like I found it amusing that Jay?s friends way too easily support her in her fear of It. Sure, they try to convince her that nothing is there (only those who had It could see It) but, overall, they were all a little too accepting of her horror. While not an entertainment killer, I just found it odd that none of her friends laughed in her face when she tried to explain what was happening or flat out call her insane. I know I would have a hard time believing any of my friends if they claimed they got a haunted STD.

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Yep, I'd make that face (any one of them) right before I start to nervously chuckle if one of my
friends made such a claim.

Additionally, the film tries to be timeless by refusing to create an identifiable era: fashions are a mixed bag of various decades, TVs still have rabbit ears, Yara is using some weird clam-like smartphone, etc. This reminded me of Napoleon Dynamite and how it is impossible to narrow down that movie to a certain decade and it seemed like an interesting choice that makes the film feel timeless but, ultimately, I wondered if it was at all necessary. It didn?t really help the film and, at times, I found it more distracting.

Going into it, I feared that this film might be a bit polarizing and that it is either a "love it or hate it" type of film and it seems my fears came true. There doesn?t seem to be much middle ground (even though I was just claiming that there are parts I like). Without a doubt, this is one of those movies that the people who love it, will love it with all there hearts and instantly hate you and call you names (and usually follow it with "well, you just didn?t get it because you?re dumb") when you don?t instantly agree with their opinion of the film and those who hate it will probably give you a big "thank you" for speaking out against it like those who don?t like it are being censored. I know I?ve already been told twice I?m stupid for not loving it?so, feel free to tell me how I "didn?t get it" and I?m a moron because I didn?t think this was the greatest film ever made.

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This is a fair representation of how not enjoying this film will doom me to a life of
commenters following me and telling that "how can anyone take your reviews serious
because you dare not agree with me, the commenter?"

In the end, I feel that It Follows could have made a great short film. Writer/Director David Robert Mitchell made some great music choices, his camera work and scene layouts looked terrific and the overall premise is unique but a familiar horror trope at the same time. However, the dragging nature of the plot, characters that were bland, and way too few scares made this film more forgettable for me than the instant classic people feel it to be.